Alright, we’re back to our regularly scheduled program.
On this week’s edition of “what pissed Vito off this week”, we are going to examine napkin etiquette and allotment.
I was at a McDonald’s this past week with a friend of mine, don’t judge me. And as we were enjoying our meal, we were anything but happy.
I tend to people-watch as a hobby, especially considering I’m always in radio-mode and trying to find a good and relatable topic for you to listen to, or in this case, read about.
Let me start this off with a question.
When you’re at a fast-food restaurant, how many napkins do you take? Believe it or not, this is a trick question.
The acceptable answer varies on what kind of food you’re eating and the type of napkins they give out. Some places have better quality than others which means you take less, and some places give you napkins with the same thickness of parchment paper.
Allow me to demonstrate.
California Sandwiches, the finest restaurant where you can find chicken/veal sandwiches, has the messiest veal sandwiches known to man. And the good for nothing bastards give you the thinnest napkins so that any time you go to wipe your face or your fingers, the thing disintegrates from all the sauce and grease. Now, you’re stuck there with sauced up hands, a messy face, and the remnants of what used to be a napkin.
Therefore, in a situation like this, you’re allotted 6 napkins. 3 for the face, 2 for the fingers and hands, and 1 for any remaining particles left on your face. I’ll give a bonus napkin if you’re ever on a date just in case, last thing you want to have is love interest in front of you and your face looking like you went bobbing for veal sandwiches.
Now…
In a situation where you’re at a McDonald’s where the food, for the most part doesn’t have any aspects that would warrant a ‘mess’, the acceptable amount you should be allotted is 4. 2 for the face, 1 to clean the salt from the fries off your hands, and one as a safety precaution in case you manage to spill sauce on yourself.
If you’re taking more than 4, you’re taking the piss.
Don’t believe me? How many napkins do the restaurants put in your bag when you’re doing take-out.
…
That’s what I thought.
Which brings us to our situation at the McDonald’s.
This woman who was with her husband and her child exceeded her napkin allotment and became, what I like to call, a “Napkin-Scalper”, an individual who will take more than is necessary to keep as ‘spares’ with no actual game-plan in place.
This woman, I shit you not, took north of 43 napkins.
When she was walking back to her table with the napkins in hand, it looked like she was holding a 100-page book in her hands.
I don’t know what storm she was expecting but she was fully prepared for any and all events that would come her way. If her drink spilled, if her child threw-up, if she needed to sneeze, this woman would’ve been ready with the napkins like this.
These are unwritten rules people.
Anyways.
That’s my rant for this week.
If you, or someone you know exhibits “Napkin-Scalper” behavior, contact your closest physician as soon as possible. You too, have to power to put an end to this epidemic.
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